[ Maglor rocks him and wipes the tears from his eyes with knowing, tired hands, the fingers gentle - he's done this so many times before, for sons, for brothers
But never anyone there for Makalaure whispers the past, and Maglor ruthlessly squashes the voice ]
Then be there for him, Swift, as you could not be before. Hold him when he cries, shout back when he rages. And he will, Swift, oh, he will. Some days, he won't recognise you at all. Talk to him. Learn what he can bear to speak of, tiptoe gently around the wounds that are too fresh. Don't cosset him. Don't excuse him. Don't let him excuse himself - they all try and sink into self-pity, and that you cannot allow. Lance the wound, if you have to! The healing will be very long, little hawk, and maybe never complete. But sometimes, that's all anyone can do.
[It isn't an answer he likes, but it's an answer. Even so, it doesn't feel like enough--still feels like he's failed everyhar around him. He couldn't save Azriel and now he can't save Seel. And what's the point of power of he can't even keep his family safe with it?
Defeated, he crumples, sobbing into Maglor's clothing and clinging to it until his hands hurt. And still he knew Seel was never going to see that. He's supposed to be the support, the solid Rock Seel grounded himself on. Always staid steady Swift. They can't both be in pieces.
Eventually yes can breathe again; though unevenly, it's enough to speak again, far more quietly than before.]
I understand. But it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe he was right after all.
[ There are no good answers, Maglor knows, and he croons to Seel as he breaks, like the cradling arms of the sea, accepting his grief and his helpless fury ]
It will never feel like it is enough. [ Maglor says softly, bleakly
Oh Nelyo, Nelyo, forgive me, it should have been me! It should have been me ]
And it will be so much harder for you than it was for me. Oh Swift! Seel is still too young not to hurt you badly with his grief. But hush you - don't blame yourself. You are too young to be shouldering this burden, but there it is - we cannot chose what the times bring to us, only what we do with them. I will be here, as best I can, but ai, so much of what I have done has gone ill I hesitate to give more than comfort. But you can come to me, to my brothers, to my cousin, to my nephew - to any of us Swift, if you are hurting and in need. We have all of us lived through tragedy and been both the injured and the forgiven. We will never turn you away.
[ Maglor keeps up the soothing motions in his hair ]
You came to seek comfort of your own - and believe you me, it will be necessary. And sometimes, when you feel alone, all you really need is for a friend to sit beside you and hold you.
That isn't good enough. Azriel never hurt anyhar and they hurt him to hurt me. And Seel... [Well. Seel hurt a lot of people, but he doesn't deserve this.]
I know. But it is, what it is. Tis always the innocent who suffer the most Swift. Evil knows full well that their suffering hurts more. It isn't fair - it never is.
[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
But I could have been there. [He knows they're going in circles but he can't assuage the guilt.] I should have known better. I did know better. And now I have to watch and wait and hope that the empty thing that came home from the ruin still holds my child in it somewhere. That the thing that does nothing besides wake and breathe is still my Azriel. [His eyes widen after he says that, like he's realizing what he's saying for the first time. He hasn't spoken about that to anyone--not even to Seel. At home there were too many things to do and not enough time for grief, but Seel had been Azriel's hostling and he had to feel it even more. Which meant more of the stalwart strength for Swift and no chance to admit that it had broken him too.]
If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
[He knows Maglor is right, but he still can't help but feel guilty. So many things he could have done...that he should have done. He'd cost Ponclast his power, he should have known he wouldn't go quietly. Should have known his on father had learned his tactics from that monster. He shouldn't have been distracted by a diversion and left his home unguarded. He'll probably live with that feeling forever, that knowing that it was all because of him.
He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
[It will always hurt. That is not comforting, but he can at least appreciate being told the truth without being coddled. And telling him that it would stop eventually would only give him hope that would ultimately come to nothing.
He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
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zvi
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Date: 2018-04-11 06:55 am (UTC)But never anyone there for Makalaure whispers the past, and Maglor ruthlessly squashes the voice ]
Then be there for him, Swift, as you could not be before. Hold him when he cries, shout back when he rages. And he will, Swift, oh, he will. Some days, he won't recognise you at all. Talk to him. Learn what he can bear to speak of, tiptoe gently around the wounds that are too fresh. Don't cosset him. Don't excuse him. Don't let him excuse himself - they all try and sink into self-pity, and that you cannot allow. Lance the wound, if you have to! The healing will be very long, little hawk, and maybe never complete. But sometimes, that's all anyone can do.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Date: 2018-04-11 07:21 am (UTC)Defeated, he crumples, sobbing into Maglor's clothing and clinging to it until his hands hurt. And still he knew Seel was never going to see that. He's supposed to be the support, the solid Rock Seel grounded himself on. Always staid steady Swift. They can't both be in pieces.
Eventually yes can breathe again; though unevenly, it's enough to speak again, far more quietly than before.]
I understand. But it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe he was right after all.
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Date: 2018-04-11 07:50 am (UTC)It will never feel like it is enough. [ Maglor says softly, bleakly
Oh Nelyo, Nelyo, forgive me, it should have been me! It should have been me ]
And it will be so much harder for you than it was for me. Oh Swift! Seel is still too young not to hurt you badly with his grief. But hush you - don't blame yourself. You are too young to be shouldering this burden, but there it is - we cannot chose what the times bring to us, only what we do with them. I will be here, as best I can, but ai, so much of what I have done has gone ill I hesitate to give more than comfort. But you can come to me, to my brothers, to my cousin, to my nephew - to any of us Swift, if you are hurting and in need. We have all of us lived through tragedy and been both the injured and the forgiven. We will never turn you away.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Date: 2018-04-11 02:25 pm (UTC)yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Date: 2018-04-12 12:46 am (UTC)[ Maglor keeps up the soothing motions in his hair ]
You came to seek comfort of your own - and believe you me, it will be necessary. And sometimes, when you feel alone, all you really need is for a friend to sit beside you and hold you.
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Date: 2018-04-12 12:56 am (UTC)yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Date: 2018-04-12 01:48 am (UTC)There never is, Swift. Not truly. You cannot protect them from everything. All you can do is be there to hold them in the after.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Date: 2018-04-12 01:52 am (UTC)It's not fair. It's my fault.
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Date: 2018-04-12 05:08 am (UTC)[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
noooooooooooooooooooo
Date: 2018-04-12 05:23 am (UTC)If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-12 07:18 am (UTC)[ Maglor is gentle, but inexorable ]
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-12 02:40 pm (UTC)He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 12:27 am (UTC)[ Maglor says with soul-weary knowledge ]
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
It will. It does.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 01:08 am (UTC)He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
Will it ever feel like it does?
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 10:33 am (UTC)[ Maglor smiles sadly ]
And some days it comes as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 02:00 pm (UTC)I'll try to remember that. And thank you. For everything you've said.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 04:41 pm (UTC)But if it brings you some small measure of comfort, Swift, I am glad.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-13 05:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-04-14 05:28 am (UTC)[ Maglor says fondly ]
You need but to call.