[He doesn't look happy, but he's trying very hard not to fall apart. He can't help it, though, and starts crying halfway through the words that he can't seem to stop from coming.]
Seel. He...told me something that happened. Before I came here. Something I should have been here for only it's too late now. We tried to talk but...it didn't go well. He's falling apart and I can't fix it. I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't know what to ask. I'm not enough. Nothing I can do on my own is enough. You're the only one who I thought might...might be able to do something. Or might know something.
[He's almost shocked but holds on to him regardless. It only helps a little. And maybe then only because Maglor reminds him in some small way off his hostling.]
I tried to apologize for...for being awful after I was sick. I told him I'm not afraid of him. It started fine until... until he told me died once. And the only person who was there to help was the one he hates more than anyhar else. Except maybe--[Ponclast. But he can't bring himself to say the name.]
He showed me. What it was like. And I should have been there. I could have fixed it, then, but now... I don't know if I can even find all the pieces let alone put them back together.
[ Maglor hums to him soothingly, listens without judgement or haste ]
Ah little hawk. Don't try to shoulder all the burdens of the world.
[ Hypocrite whispers his brother's ghost ]
You aren't meant to be Seel's healer, little hawk, nor his parent. Sometimes, you can't fix it. Sometimes, all you can do is be there. [ he says softly with low grief beneath his words ] Sometimes, that's all you can do, and sometimes it's enough. 'Should haves' will ruin you, Swift. You can't change the past - all you can change is what you do here, and now.
Seel's an adult. Or, well, he's supposed to be. [ He adds wryly, before the dry grin fades ] He needs to learn to not rely on you too much, also. Be there for him, Swift, But don't feel you have to fix him.
Some things, [ There's such a wealth of bleak knowing in his voice ] some things are unfixable - by you or him, or anyone saving the Valar, maybe, and even then I think not. But it helps, I found, for both the wounded, to sit together and simply be.
That can't be all. There must be something. I can't...I can't just watch him falling apart and not do anything. What if...what if I lose him to this? What do I do if it kills him or...or he ends up like Azriel? Please, I've lost too much of my family already. I can't lose him too.
[ Maglor rocks him and wipes the tears from his eyes with knowing, tired hands, the fingers gentle - he's done this so many times before, for sons, for brothers
But never anyone there for Makalaure whispers the past, and Maglor ruthlessly squashes the voice ]
Then be there for him, Swift, as you could not be before. Hold him when he cries, shout back when he rages. And he will, Swift, oh, he will. Some days, he won't recognise you at all. Talk to him. Learn what he can bear to speak of, tiptoe gently around the wounds that are too fresh. Don't cosset him. Don't excuse him. Don't let him excuse himself - they all try and sink into self-pity, and that you cannot allow. Lance the wound, if you have to! The healing will be very long, little hawk, and maybe never complete. But sometimes, that's all anyone can do.
[It isn't an answer he likes, but it's an answer. Even so, it doesn't feel like enough--still feels like he's failed everyhar around him. He couldn't save Azriel and now he can't save Seel. And what's the point of power of he can't even keep his family safe with it?
Defeated, he crumples, sobbing into Maglor's clothing and clinging to it until his hands hurt. And still he knew Seel was never going to see that. He's supposed to be the support, the solid Rock Seel grounded himself on. Always staid steady Swift. They can't both be in pieces.
Eventually yes can breathe again; though unevenly, it's enough to speak again, far more quietly than before.]
I understand. But it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe he was right after all.
[ There are no good answers, Maglor knows, and he croons to Seel as he breaks, like the cradling arms of the sea, accepting his grief and his helpless fury ]
It will never feel like it is enough. [ Maglor says softly, bleakly
Oh Nelyo, Nelyo, forgive me, it should have been me! It should have been me ]
And it will be so much harder for you than it was for me. Oh Swift! Seel is still too young not to hurt you badly with his grief. But hush you - don't blame yourself. You are too young to be shouldering this burden, but there it is - we cannot chose what the times bring to us, only what we do with them. I will be here, as best I can, but ai, so much of what I have done has gone ill I hesitate to give more than comfort. But you can come to me, to my brothers, to my cousin, to my nephew - to any of us Swift, if you are hurting and in need. We have all of us lived through tragedy and been both the injured and the forgiven. We will never turn you away.
[ Maglor keeps up the soothing motions in his hair ]
You came to seek comfort of your own - and believe you me, it will be necessary. And sometimes, when you feel alone, all you really need is for a friend to sit beside you and hold you.
That isn't good enough. Azriel never hurt anyhar and they hurt him to hurt me. And Seel... [Well. Seel hurt a lot of people, but he doesn't deserve this.]
I know. But it is, what it is. Tis always the innocent who suffer the most Swift. Evil knows full well that their suffering hurts more. It isn't fair - it never is.
[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
But I could have been there. [He knows they're going in circles but he can't assuage the guilt.] I should have known better. I did know better. And now I have to watch and wait and hope that the empty thing that came home from the ruin still holds my child in it somewhere. That the thing that does nothing besides wake and breathe is still my Azriel. [His eyes widen after he says that, like he's realizing what he's saying for the first time. He hasn't spoken about that to anyone--not even to Seel. At home there were too many things to do and not enough time for grief, but Seel had been Azriel's hostling and he had to feel it even more. Which meant more of the stalwart strength for Swift and no chance to admit that it had broken him too.]
If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
[He knows Maglor is right, but he still can't help but feel guilty. So many things he could have done...that he should have done. He'd cost Ponclast his power, he should have known he wouldn't go quietly. Should have known his on father had learned his tactics from that monster. He shouldn't have been distracted by a diversion and left his home unguarded. He'll probably live with that feeling forever, that knowing that it was all because of him.
He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
[It will always hurt. That is not comforting, but he can at least appreciate being told the truth without being coddled. And telling him that it would stop eventually would only give him hope that would ultimately come to nothing.
He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bythewaves) wrote2017-07-08 10:43 pm
<3 <3
[ And Maglor can make them more so, at need ]
<3 <3 <3
Thank you. I'll be there shortly.
<3 to infinity
[ Maglor is waiting for him at the door, and he beckons him inside when he arrives ]
Come in, come in. Tell me what's wrong.
Nooooooo you beat me D:
Seel. He...told me something that happened. Before I came here. Something I should have been here for only it's too late now. We tried to talk but...it didn't go well. He's falling apart and I can't fix it. I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't know what to ask. I'm not enough. Nothing I can do on my own is enough. You're the only one who I thought might...might be able to do something. Or might know something.
mwhahahaha
[ Maglor pulls Swift into his arms and hushes him, hands carding soothingly through his hair ]
Oh little bird, I'm so sorry. Tell me, Swift. What happened. Slowly now - no rush. What did you tell him, and what did he say?
nooooooooo
I tried to apologize for...for being awful after I was sick. I told him I'm not afraid of him. It started fine until... until he told me died once. And the only person who was there to help was the one he hates more than anyhar else. Except maybe--[Ponclast. But he can't bring himself to say the name.]
He showed me. What it was like. And I should have been there. I could have fixed it, then, but now... I don't know if I can even find all the pieces let alone put them back together.
I tried--Ag knows I did but I'm out of my depth.
yessssssssss
Ah little hawk. Don't try to shoulder all the burdens of the world.
[ Hypocrite whispers his brother's ghost ]
You aren't meant to be Seel's healer, little hawk, nor his parent. Sometimes, you can't fix it. Sometimes, all you can do is be there. [ he says softly with low grief beneath his words ] Sometimes, that's all you can do, and sometimes it's enough. 'Should haves' will ruin you, Swift. You can't change the past - all you can change is what you do here, and now.
Seel's an adult. Or, well, he's supposed to be. [ He adds wryly, before the dry grin fades ] He needs to learn to not rely on you too much, also. Be there for him, Swift, But don't feel you have to fix him.
Some things, [ There's such a wealth of bleak knowing in his voice ] some things are unfixable - by you or him, or anyone saving the Valar, maybe, and even then I think not. But it helps, I found, for both the wounded, to sit together and simply be.
noooooooooooooooooooo
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss
But never anyone there for Makalaure whispers the past, and Maglor ruthlessly squashes the voice ]
Then be there for him, Swift, as you could not be before. Hold him when he cries, shout back when he rages. And he will, Swift, oh, he will. Some days, he won't recognise you at all. Talk to him. Learn what he can bear to speak of, tiptoe gently around the wounds that are too fresh. Don't cosset him. Don't excuse him. Don't let him excuse himself - they all try and sink into self-pity, and that you cannot allow. Lance the wound, if you have to! The healing will be very long, little hawk, and maybe never complete. But sometimes, that's all anyone can do.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Defeated, he crumples, sobbing into Maglor's clothing and clinging to it until his hands hurt. And still he knew Seel was never going to see that. He's supposed to be the support, the solid Rock Seel grounded himself on. Always staid steady Swift. They can't both be in pieces.
Eventually yes can breathe again; though unevenly, it's enough to speak again, far more quietly than before.]
I understand. But it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe he was right after all.
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
It will never feel like it is enough. [ Maglor says softly, bleakly
Oh Nelyo, Nelyo, forgive me, it should have been me! It should have been me ]
And it will be so much harder for you than it was for me. Oh Swift! Seel is still too young not to hurt you badly with his grief. But hush you - don't blame yourself. You are too young to be shouldering this burden, but there it is - we cannot chose what the times bring to us, only what we do with them. I will be here, as best I can, but ai, so much of what I have done has gone ill I hesitate to give more than comfort. But you can come to me, to my brothers, to my cousin, to my nephew - to any of us Swift, if you are hurting and in need. We have all of us lived through tragedy and been both the injured and the forgiven. We will never turn you away.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
[ Maglor keeps up the soothing motions in his hair ]
You came to seek comfort of your own - and believe you me, it will be necessary. And sometimes, when you feel alone, all you really need is for a friend to sit beside you and hold you.
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
There never is, Swift. Not truly. You cannot protect them from everything. All you can do is be there to hold them in the after.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
It's not fair. It's my fault.
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
noooooooooooooooooooo
If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
no subject
[ Maglor is gentle, but inexorable ]
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
no subject
He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
no subject
[ Maglor says with soul-weary knowledge ]
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
It will. It does.
no subject
He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
Will it ever feel like it does?
no subject
[ Maglor smiles sadly ]
And some days it comes as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
no subject
I'll try to remember that. And thank you. For everything you've said.
no subject
But if it brings you some small measure of comfort, Swift, I am glad.
(no subject)
(no subject)