That isn't good enough. Azriel never hurt anyhar and they hurt him to hurt me. And Seel... [Well. Seel hurt a lot of people, but he doesn't deserve this.]
I know. But it is, what it is. Tis always the innocent who suffer the most Swift. Evil knows full well that their suffering hurts more. It isn't fair - it never is.
[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
But I could have been there. [He knows they're going in circles but he can't assuage the guilt.] I should have known better. I did know better. And now I have to watch and wait and hope that the empty thing that came home from the ruin still holds my child in it somewhere. That the thing that does nothing besides wake and breathe is still my Azriel. [His eyes widen after he says that, like he's realizing what he's saying for the first time. He hasn't spoken about that to anyone--not even to Seel. At home there were too many things to do and not enough time for grief, but Seel had been Azriel's hostling and he had to feel it even more. Which meant more of the stalwart strength for Swift and no chance to admit that it had broken him too.]
If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
[He knows Maglor is right, but he still can't help but feel guilty. So many things he could have done...that he should have done. He'd cost Ponclast his power, he should have known he wouldn't go quietly. Should have known his on father had learned his tactics from that monster. He shouldn't have been distracted by a diversion and left his home unguarded. He'll probably live with that feeling forever, that knowing that it was all because of him.
He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
[It will always hurt. That is not comforting, but he can at least appreciate being told the truth without being coddled. And telling him that it would stop eventually would only give him hope that would ultimately come to nothing.
He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
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bythewaves) wrote2017-07-08 10:43 pm
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
There never is, Swift. Not truly. You cannot protect them from everything. All you can do is be there to hold them in the after.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
It's not fair. It's my fault.
yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
[ Firmly ]
But it is not your fault. Do not seek to take onto yourself the sins of others. It was not you who hurt this Azriel. Those who did so could have chosen any method, but they chose that one - because it would hurt you. That is not your fault Swift. It is theirs.
noooooooooooooooooooo
If I lose Seel to the waiting too I may not survive it.
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[ Maglor is gentle, but inexorable ]
You cannot change that fact now. While there's life, there's hope, so said Master Samwise, who had uncommonly large dose of hobbit sense.
[ He sighs ]
So, our little hawk is a parent, hm? [ Far, far too young, he grieves ] That does make it harder. But it does not change what has already happened. Ah Swift. If I could take the pain from you I would.
[ He sighs, and hopes Maedhros will forgive him ]
When...Fingon rescued Maedhros from the Mountain... it was a long time before he could believe that he was safe, and we were real, and no new device of torture. Some days he would scream invectives, and confuse us for his torturers. Others, he would sink into himself and refuse to come out for fear. There was nothing any of us could do except be there, as best we could. And eventually, he came back to us. I don't know if your Azriel will, Swift. But Maedhros confessed that he always heard us, even when he had turned away from us. He wasn't always sure that we were real, but he always heard us. That is the only comfort I can offer, for your little one.
But Seel is here now. And he needs you too, little hawk. He doesn't need you to be strong, he needs you to be there. He needs you to tell him it's alright to weep, he needs you to tell him that it hurts you too, but you aren't blaming him for the pain. And you need him. You need to tell him that, too.
no subject
He bows his head, though, chastened by the story and what he says about Seel. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but...at least it makes sense.]
Alright. I can...I can try. I just...I don't know if it will even matter.
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[ Maglor says with soul-weary knowledge ]
You will always feel you should have done more, or done things differently. But you cannot change that. It's already done. The only thing you can change is the now. You have to keep reminding yourself of that, Swift, on the bad days. And the bad days will come. But good ones will, too, eventually.
I was the one who gave the order to leave Maedhros there, Swift. For thirty years my brother was tortured, because I could risk no lives for his rescue. Thirty years of the Sun we camped on our Enemy's very doorstep, and we did nothing to retrieve him. Even now, I grieve that pain. It will always hurt. But Maedhros forgave me. In time, I think Seel will too - he loves you too much not to.
[ He brushes a soothing hand through Swift's hair and cups his cheek to look into his eyes and say it firmly ]
It will. It does.
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He can't even look away, with Maglor holding his face like that. He can only look right back into his eyes and know that he means what he says.]
Will it ever feel like it does?
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[ Maglor smiles sadly ]
And some days it comes as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
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I'll try to remember that. And thank you. For everything you've said.
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But if it brings you some small measure of comfort, Swift, I am glad.
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[ Maglor says fondly ]
You need but to call.